This is hard. I could have never imagined how mentally and emotionally taxing it would be to prepare a three year old for heart surgery. I have so many raw emotions right now...the world probably thinks I am nuts.

It is not that I am questioning the reason, or the need for the surgery... man I know he needs it. It is becoming more and more apparent every day. Actually now I am sort of looking forward to The Lucas after his surgery. It just breaks my heart to see him walking into the library and getting only a few steps across the parking lot to say "mommy I am out of breath, can we stop."

I feel like little things are taking more and more out of him. He didn't kick the ear infection that he had a week ago with the first round of antibiotics, so he is on his second course. When he talks, he has so much to say, but it is almost as if he is starting to get a little anxious when he has a lot to say. Like, when you or I talks so much and so fast that we need to take a breath real quick and then keep talking.. that is him a lot of the time.

It is hard. It is hard to gently start referring to the surgery. Gently get him used to the idea.. but not fully talk about it. We have heard from several wonderful heart parents that you use the number of years old as to how many days before you really start talking about it. Which we are going to use. I have already bought a few children's books about going to the hospital to read to him.  He knows he is going to have surgery. I am trying to say things like "after your surgery buddy you will feel better" or  today I asked him what presents he wanted Claire to bring him when he was staying in the hospital. He always asks "are you going to be there with me mommy and daddy?"

It is so scary to me. I imagine this will happen a lot through parenting; but I just want to cuddle him, and hold him, and promise him everything is going to be ok.. but I can't. The unknowns and the what ifs are too much for me right now. 

Just when I start to feel down and feel down on myself and our situation.. the Lord knows exactly what I need. For instance. The other day we took the kids to our towns annual Almond Blossom parade. It is quite an event and so fun. Lucas was in heaven looking at all of the trucks, cars, fire engines, and horses. The thing that got me was that there was a small marching band with children of all ages maybe from ages 5 to 15 or so.. it caught my attention, because usually a band like that has kids of all the same ages and talent level, but every child in the band was trying so hard and looked so proud to be there. There were four children in the front that were holding a banner that was said information about a local children's home. But what really got me and stuck to my heart was that there was this young man, probably 12 who was holding the end of the banner who had a noticeable birth defect. Maybe a palsy of some sort. The way he walked his legs looked as if they were causing him a lot of pain, every step looked like it physically could be hurting him. But, he held the banner with such pride and happiness. You should have seen his face. He was beaming from ear to ear. He was so happy to be apart of that group and be marching in the parade. I thought about how the parade route was probably several miles long,  and he didn't seem to mind one bit. I broke into tears (see I am a mess) because I again was reminded that no matter what our pains and our struggles in life we should live happily and thankful for what we have. This young man taught me a lot, and he has no idea.

Peter and I have talked a lot about how we are going to raise Lucas to be confident with his differences. This is no easy task, kids all want to be alike the next, and they can be so mean to one another. But, we want Lucas to walk his life with pride and happiness just like the boy in the parade. I pray we can succeed at this...

So as we prepare for Lucas to go through this and how we are going to deal with lodging, accommodations, feeding Claire, keeping her happy,  jobs, leave of absences, etc, etc, etc. I am trying to focus on the positive. We are thankful there IS a surgery to  help Lucas feel better. We are thankful for wonderful hospitals like Stanford, and for surgeons like Dr. Hanley. We are thankful for our family, friends, and neighbors who are offering to fill in the gaps while we are helping Lucas. We truly do have so much to be thankful for.

Part of my angst and anxiety is steaming from the fact that they have moved Lucas' surgery date.... so we are trying to figure out the best options on new dates for our families, us, and most importantly for our little man.