The dreaded words....

On Friday both of the kids had appointments. I will start with Claire. She had her next set of immunizations. She is growing like a weed. Weighing in at 21 pounds 4 ounces still in the 90th percentile. I didn't catch her height because she was trying to roll off the table, but her head and height are 75th percentile. She is doing great. She got four immunizations and is doing great. She is a little trooper.

Onto Lucas, who's cardiology appointment was actually first in the day. Lucas was such a big boy, he always is so interactive and talkative to his friends at the cardiology office. He is quite the ham.

First he got measured and weighed, then he was great for his BP (90/60) and pulse ox 86% and heart rate of 102. Right before the BP cuff was placed on his arm, he bravely looked at me and said "no owies Mommy?" I said "Nope" and he let them proceed. When Dr. Wright came in the room he just smiled, he said "gosh he is getting to be such a big and handsome boy."

He listened to his lungs and heart which he said sounded great, and then he said the dreaded words which hit me like a ton of bricks falling from the sky...."we should probably schedule his next surgery." It was at that moment I felt like I got hit with a Mack Truck. I TOTALLY wasn't expecting that. He said on their scale he weighs 15kg (33lbs) and he is doing so well we should get it scheduled. He said no emergent rush, but he is doing very well and he is right where we need him to be.

I couldn't help the sudden tears falling down my face. I have to face my denial and come to terms with the fact that he needs this surgery and it will be best for him. My dream is that after the surgery he will be able to run around and chase his friends without having so stop because he is out of breath. Or he will be able to run from one side of the house to another without panting. In our hearts we know it is what he needs and deserves but there is nothing harder to me right now then imagining Lucas having to have that surgery.

Peter and I knew it was in our radar but were thinking of more in the realm of next Summer or Fall. So, after the doctor said that we should start thinking about it I was trying to internally console myself with the idea that we had 6-10 months before we really had to confront reality of Lucas having heart surgery then he says..."well if you would like we could wait until right after the holidays"....WHAT????

So, this is where we sit. We are now waiting for THE CALL from Stanford. I had NO idea that we would be talking about surgery so soon. Lucas is full of life and trust me A LOT of tenacity...it is hard to fathom he actually needs this.

In life, at least my life, I find it so easy to use denial as a coping mechanism. Not that I am in denial that he needs it, I just deny myself from thinking about it often. It is how I keep positive and happy for him. I want to enjoy life, not dwell on the scary stuff. But now that it is staring us in the face. I am scared.. I am nervous... and at this point I am still choosing to stay happy for Lucas. He will do great. I just can't believe it is already time to start planning for his Fontan.

So now we wait for the call to get him scheduled....