One year ago today, Peter and I couldn't wait to see our baby, we had our 20 week ultrasound scheduled for January 6, 2009. Just one year ago today, we were less than 24 hours away from the biggest life changing event we could imagine. We were so eager to see our child and we had come to an agreement that we were open to finding out the sex, but we weren't going to ask to find out. In other words, if it was obvious, we would know :).
We went to bed that night guessing if it was a boy or a girl and made plans for our next days appointment. I didn't get to see Peter leave the morning of Jan 6, because I was suffering from the typical pregnancy fatigue (or just taking advantage of sleeping in). I picked him up from work, he had pep in his step, we laughed when we saw each other because we were both wearing blue! We had a nice lunch, I was getting emotional just thinking about seeing our developing baby and becoming a mommy. We headed to our appointment where we had a level 2 ultrasound scheduled...
I can remember the entire appointment like it was yesterday. I have been reliving it all week. I lay on the table with my 20 week belly proudly bare. Our subconscious dressing had soon proved right, as it quickly became 'obvious'...IT'S A BOY! I could see Peter's eyes welling up with pride. He was so proud to have a son. The doctor was so upbeat and joking with us about Lucas 'bearing all' and how great he looked... that is until the room fell silent.
I could have heard a pin drop. The doctor kept staring at the screen and measuring and re-measuring the heart and re-measuring again. I had to finally ask...'does the heart have four chambers?" His response, "I am having issues with the heart." It literally brings me to my knees just thinking of that day. After he told us he thought our baby boy had tricuspid atresia, he (as many doctors did) gave me a box of Kleenex. I have never been so hurt in my entire life, not by anything or anyone. This wasn't supposed to happen to us. I am young, healthy, eat right, take my vitamins, avoid being around anything harmful, avoid lunch meats, and soft cheeses... anything and everything a pregnant lady was supposed to do, I did.. I thought I did everything right. There is so much self blame associated with hearing news like this, I felt 100% responsible for this news. Even to this day, a small part of me wonders if I could have done something differently.
Sometimes I wish I could go back and undo that day, make the results come back differently. We literally came home, sat in the dark, sobbing, unable to form thoughts or sentences. We didn't want to talk to anyone, we didn't want to accept the news. We sat in the dark for several days, not sleeping, not talking, just crying. I have never in my life imagined such an intense form of sadness. The following day we saw Dr. Wright, and he confirmed the diagnosis. How could it be true?
Over the course of the next few weeks, we slowly picked up the pieces of our shaken and broken lives. We met with specialist after specialist and were 'offered' countless number of times to terminate the pregnancy. Peter and I went to Kauai a few weeks after getting the news, and we even got a call while we were there, saying that 'there are only a few days left for 'it' to be legal!" REALLY?
No one asks to go through what we have been though in a year. No one wants walk with a limp, blue child down to the CVICU with a crash cart following. No one wants to measure your child's oxygen levels every day. No one wants to watch your son's oxygen levels drop to 6 on the monitor. No one wants to go to countless doctors appointments, or fight insurance companies over 'medical necessity.' No one would choose this, but this path was chosen for us, so we had no choice but to fight through it and embrace it, and we will continue to.
Throughout the remainder of my pregnancy and to this day. I am on a journey. A journey of accepting the news. Accepting that our son has a serious heart defect. The grieving process hasn't ended, I am not sure if it will. I have learned more in this past year than I thought possible. I have learned that life is not fair, or so we think, beauty doesn't always mean perfection, and that no matter how bad you think you have it, there is always someone walking a more difficult journey. I have learned that I have the most amazing and supportive husband who I could not live without. I literally don't think I would have made it to this point as sane as I am if it weren't for him. He the most calm and kind person I know.
This year, has marked the highest highs and lowest lows of our lives and has brought unfathomable emotion. I have learned to not dwell on the small stuff, because I have learned first hand how life can change in the matter of one day. We love our son more than life, and he is just as feisty now as he was that day that he wanted us to know clearly that he was a boy.
(Pictures from one year ago, Kauai)
We recently saw the ophthalmologist regarding Lucas' eyes. She has suggested we try patch therapy before we rush into any surgical procedures. We are very thankful for this. Although it is only two hours a day, it has to be strategically planned so that he can be well distracted. He has come quite accustomed to his dump truck rides every night. He now tries to get into the dump truck on his own.
January 9 Lucas crawled for the first time. It was the cutest thing to watch him discover that he could move. He was very proud of himself and a bit shocked that he didn't have to be stationary any longer.
