11 Months Old

I was literally brought to tears on my way to work today when I realized it was Lucas' 11 month birthday. It was this week one year ago that I went out on maternity leave..not knowing where life would take us. I just cannot believe or even really fathom what we have been through this past year. As we are quickly approaching Lucas' birthday I find myself trying to remember parts of the last year. I can barely remember the days right after he was born, it is a blur. What I remember most is when I was still paralyzed from my spinal and all I could do was turn my head.. he raised his hand in a fist (which he still does sometimes) as he was being wheeled out in his plastic incubator with the flight crew.

It is too much for two people to go through as many of you know. I often find myself getting mad or upset with myself because I can't remember certain parts of this past year...why can't I remember, why have I suppressed this..? I want so badly to remember every memory of him as a sweet little baby boy, but I can't remember everything. I really feel like it will take more than a year to process and sort through this past year...I have a feeling we'll be processing it for a lifetime. As always, but so much recently he has been such a beacon of light. Such a reminder of what is truly important in life. We finally decided to take Lucas to church with us this past weekend.. we haven't taken him yet because we have been trying to keep him out of large crowds to keep him as healthy as possible.. but we decided it was time, and it is what we needed as a family. Lucas hummed along to all of the music..and even clapped to some songs. Truly a miracle child!

As I was writing this blog, Peter brought Lucas out wrapped in a towel after his bath.. like he loves.. and Lucas reached over to me and gave me a (very wet and sloppy) kiss and long hug. And yet AGAIN he gives me faith and hope...he is truly the best!